Recently I have been thinking why I became a workout freak. Not just workout freak, but also super conscious about what I eat and when I can eat. Everything started after I broke up with Henry, I think. I need a new target to focus on, since I don’t need to skype or text or always worried about the relationship and the future. So I turned to workout. Once I started workout, I became more and more addicted to it. I feel something wrong whenever I skip workout. I think I can even get the award of loyal users of Les Mills.

Les Mills is the exercise program I got to know after I moved in with Henry to Fujimino. I joined the local sport club for the last three months in Japan. They offer group Les Mills classes. After I came back to Taiwan, I found out there is online courses for a wide variety of Les Mill training. The fee is not high and I can share the account with my sister. So I registered right away. Since then, I got super addicted to it.

After doing exercise becomes my new focus, I started to pile up a lot of workout equipment and accessories. I started to do more research on food and nutrition intake. And gradually I lost weight and body fat. It was not hard to imagine the more successful I do this thing, the more ambitious I become. More precisely to say, too extreme. I realize I do everything related to workout and maintaining good body shape too much. But I cannot control it. It is just like when I spend time maintaining the relationship between Henry and me, I cannot stop. I pay full attention and make all efforts to it. That is not healthy at all.

Sometimes I found out, once I stopped this extreme behavior, the perfect number disappears, which makes me very depressed. I have to be conscious about what I eat all the time, I have to control the quantity I eat, I have to exercise everyday, I feel hungry all the time, my mind is full of things related to food. It is torturing. I realized it gradually.

Also I found out the more I exercise, the more I push myself to a higher fitness level. For example, I cannot finish GRIT program in the beginning. Now, I am able to finish it, do another one again, and even do it with weight on my body. It is true that once the body get used to the exercise level, I should add some difference to it. So I make it harder and harder. But now it is very hard, and I am so tired. I even lower the level a little bit since I hurt my ankle due to over heavy weight added on my feet.

But I don’t know when to stop. I feel tired everyday now, and in the middle of exercise, every movement becomes hard to complete. I feel I become weak. After the workout, I am exhausted, not energized. So, recently I have been thinking about a good rest to improve the effectiveness of my workout. I tried to force myself to stop and rest. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I pay way too many efforts and too focused on workout.

Not just the workout, I am very conscious about food intake. I always do research on what to eat and how to eat, look for many recipe, always think about food while I am working. That is not healthy. I need some other things to help me stop always thinking about workout and food.

The first thing I tried is continuing writing blog. The reason I paid for making this blog is to force myself to continue using the blog, writing down my real thought, and spend time on it. When writing the blog, I am more focused, instead of thinking about food.

Second, I started to read some articles online about fitness and rest. Les Mills offers many information in addition to workout programs. It somehow encourages me to keep going. I like one of the article-Looking Beyond Calorie Burn, it tells me details about how each program make me more fit, instead of just counting on calories. And they also have some articles related to life styles and diets.

Third, I started to eat more balanced. I used to devour a pile of vegetables, not joking, it is really a pile of vegetables. But I avoid carbs. That is not healthy. Without eating carbs, I feel tired, not focused, and always thinking about food. Also, I realized if I go back to eating carbs, all perfect status break. So I started to eat carbs in every meal. After all, I am looking for the diet that I can continue forever, not just for a short period of time.

Last thing I did, finding a new boyfriend to focus on?? Haha, no no no way. It is so tiring to get to know someone new again. But recently my sister got a new boyfriend. It is so easy to imagine that my father got very excited about it, because he doesn’t have to sell the factory. I tried not to be so sarcastic about it, but I knew deep in his mind, finding a successor is as important as find a husband for us. Well, even if he tried to hide it, I can tell from how he talked about my sister’s new boyfriend.

I hate that. You can say I am being unrealistic, I am being rebellious, or I just want to be the opposite. BUT I JUST DON’T LIKE IT. Probably I am too scared, but I really don’t like the first thing I have to think for the first time I go out on a date is if this guy will enter my family business. If I have to do that, I would rather stay single. I got many experiences in the past relationships. I spent time building up a good relationship with my boyfriend, we had good time, we share lives, we like each other, we want to have future. And then, everything had to stop because of the family business. There are too many CONDITIONS to be my boyfriend, not just family business part, but also rules from myself. As I achieve more, I ask for more. That is why I am too scared of having another boyfriend or having children. Either they will drive me crazy or I will push them too hard. It is stressful for both sides. I would rather not have any. Being alone is lonely, but starting a new relationship takes too many efforts and creates too many worries and too much friction. The worst thing is, after all those negative things, we still can’t make it to the end just because the person cannot enter the family business and long distance wouldn’t work forever.

Those are the real thoughts. If you ask me, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SINGLE FOREVER AND STUCK WITH ALL THESE WORKOUTS?

I will answer I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want now, I don’t want a new relationship now. I am not sure how long I can keep feeling satisfied about my single like, but currently I am still fine with it. Just like having a child, I am not sure when I will stop hating children or stop being scared about raising children, but now I just don’t want it.

I am lucky, I was born to a family that keeps me away from worries of money. But I also have some responsibilities that my other classmates don’t have to face. I am taking care of these responsibilities now, so for other part of my life, I want to live as the way I like. But as for the workout part, I will keep trying to adjust everything, Hope I can find a balance soon!